"I weighed 290 pounds when I joined OA."

... that is how it is gonna start... my story anyway... years from now... what comes next i am not sure but very excited to find out....

... i went to my first Overeaters Anon. meeting on saturday... "Hi, my name is 'Alice' and i am a compulsive overeater."... it was amazing... i was amazed at a couple things... the first was that i wasnt alone... the second was how welcoming everyone was. I shared my story about my friend passing away and the support i felt from total strangers was incredible.

saturday will probably be the meeting i go to most often, and when i cant make saturday, i will go to one on wednesday.

i get it, the literature, the program, the steps, food plan, sponsorship... it all makes a great deal of sense to me.

so far today i have been able to abstain from using food. i had a moderate, breakfast and lunch with no snacking in between. 3pm is the hardest for me, i am so used to going to the vending machine. i reminded myself that is just habit. i pulled some OA literature out of my bag at 3pm and read that instead. it's not like my stomache was growling or anything like that. it was just habit. the self talk and literature worked... here it is 1/2 hour left of work and so far no slip ups.

i have to stop at the grocery store and get something for dinner, so i have been contemplating what to get.... however i dont think i have been obsessing. i am very tired. so post dinner snacking probably wont happen... that is one thing about me.... i will always choose sleep over food.

this weekend was the first time i have been genuinely happy in a very long time. i think the reason for that is that going to that OA meeting restored in me a sense of HOPE. that has been missing for a very very long time. i was presented with a program and support system that gives me hope and the tools i need to 'live life between meals'.

optimism

sorry for the ranty post yesterday... i was a little frazzeled and didnt say anything that i wanted to say... stuff just came out. i am glad it did, but i am a bit more optimistic today.

i was married in 2005 and when i went to meet the unitarian minister to go over the vows, i walked into a church building i had never been in before. it was in a neighboring town that was unfamilar to me as well. i parked the car and walked into what i thought was the main entrance. it was a nice old building. in the foyer there was a staircase, and a large room to my right. i peaked my head in, looking for a man i had never met before. the room was empty.

i was early so i took a seat. shortly there after a woman joined me. she sat on the couch across from me. she smiled and said hi. i returned the greeting. a little while later another woman appeared. she smiled and said hi and asked, "are you here for the meeting?".... as i was there for a meeting i said, "what meeting?", clearly confused. she said, "the Overeaters Anynomous meeting". i replied no, that i was there to meet the reverend. i slowly got up, grabbed my things and moved toward the foyer. both very nice woman smiling at me. my head jumbled and confused. the one lady must have been the facilator. she said, "well you are more than welcome to join us if u wish"... she was spreading literature out on the table. i said i would see how long i was with the reverend and might stop back on my way out.

i didnt of course. i was horrified and intriqued at the same time. firstly, i was about to get married and uber emotional and how dare she see me, a fat girl, and just assume i have a problem with food.... (isn't denile grand?)... secondly, what the hell was OA?... there is a group like that really?.... 'powerless against food'... my ass!... i am not powerless in the least (unless u r a hoho or potato chip). and thirdly and lastly... I wondered if that was a sign... if maybe this group could help me. that last thought was fleeting... afterall i had a wedding to get through... my issues would have to wait.

periodically i would go to the OA website... still unsure. then recently i got sucked into a show on tv called 'sober house'... it is about some b-list celebs recovering from addiction in the same house. and i realized what draws me to the show isnt the celebs, or the drama.... it is the potrayal of recovery from addiction. and i realized, i have a lot of the same feelings and issues when it comes to food. the difference is they have a network of support. i dont feel like i have that. so i have come full circle back to OA.

last week while at my local book store i asked a nice lady where their 'eating disorder' section was. she showed me. i went through many books in that section as well in the 'diet' section. i came across two books based on OA principles. both very small, both came home with me. i also bought a proper food journal called "DietMinder, Personal Food and Fitness Journal - A Deluxe Food Diary by MemoryMinder Journals." I often tried to create my own food journal... but that never seemed to work for long. This one is extensive. And i decided i deserved a proper one.

all my negative talk revolved around the money i was spending... and then on the way home i felt guilty for spending money on myself. but somehow, through the guilt and negative self talk... part of me felt like i had made the first step in a postive direction.

i have read a chapter a day in the one book. and i went back to the OA website and found a meeting in my area... i wrote down the information. i put it in my back pocket. i took it home and showed hubby. i asked if he was okay with me doing this. part of me always has to ask permission from those around me. he said of course, he would support me anyway he could. then he went bowling. i took the piece of paper with the meeting info on it and put it in the OA book i am reading. it is tomorrow at 10:30am. i am meeting friends for lunch at noon so i would only be able to stay an hour... but i dont know how long the meeting would last. there is a telephone number listed for the facilitator. maybe i should call her. i am afraid.

of what i dont kno. i dont kno anyone there probably. i dont know the facilitator i dont think. it could only help. so why am i so afraid. maybe it is because it will work. maybe it is because it means i am not as alone as i think. maybe it is because if i go... then i am admitting i am addicted to food. and that is not something i want people to know. but the reality is they can look at me and see that. so maybe i am afraid of admitting i need help. it is very hard for me to accept help when it is offered and even harder for me to seek it out. but i clearly cant do this alone.

i physically shuddered when i wrote that last line so i think that is it.

i am tired. all this self-examination is work. and my schedule for the rest of the month is crazy. i tend to get ahead of myself and stress. i am trying to slow that down a little. tonight while i am highlighting my hair i will be working on my homework. tomorrow i have an OA meeting at 10:30 ;) then at noon a friend is bringing her bf to lunch with us. he is a contractor and is going to give me an estimate on my creeky porch. then at 6pm i am going over to a friends for dinner then a party. then sunday morning up early and breakfast out with hubby, then over to my friends place by 10:30 to set up a video conference between her daughter and herself. my friend will be in Bulgaria. i will be hepling her grandmother watch her daughter while she is gone.

but if i can make time for everyone else, i should be able to make time for myself as well.

ggrrr...

i really wanted to keep this blog positive, but i cant because all of my feelings are not postitive. i am sad and dissapointed. sad because another friend of mine passed away. and dissapointed in myself that i didnt spend more time with her. our last contact was months ago when she called me to invite me over. i let it go to voicemail and never called her back.

last saturday her bf (whom i am even closer too) came over with pictures and together we made a memory board for the wake and funeral. and i cooked. i had to feed him. they were incredibly close and lived together for four years. and now with B. gone i feel the need to mother him.

GG and i met in 1992 and we have been friends ever since. He is an amazing artist. when he introduced me to his gf, B. i just knew she was the one for him. He has some issues and needs people he can trust and feel safe around. He did so well when he was with B. now i pray he finds a way to continue on. and i worry about him.

restart

yep, i have been gone a bit because i have been off the wagon so to speak. so now you know, if i am quiet it is because i am being bad. i missed a couple of weigh-ins as well apparently from the looks of the list i created.

i have only been to the counselor once. and i have talked to a couple other people about my friend who passed. and i realized something. i would not want to be judged by the last decision i made in my life. so it was unfair to do that to her. and if i can forgive her for the choice she made.... then i should also forgive myslef for not being able to change her mind. since this line of thinking has been in place i feel so much better. i can think of my friend and not be angry. i smile when i remember the good times... or water the plants she gave me to take care of before her surgery.

i still miss her but it is in a much more positive way. one of the things she and i were so different on was how we spent money. she had no problem spending money on herself. i do. so to honor her memory i am going to treat myself to little indulgences now and then... a pedicure here and a manicure there. this way, i feel like she is still with me, like she taught me something that i will carry on long after she is gone. and that makes me smile.

so my motivation is slowly coming back. my eating is horrible. but i joined weight watchers online, Discovery Health's National Body Challenge, and there is a Wellness Awareness Day at my job so i signed up for a free health screening. i thought i might chicken out, so i signed up for the screening just to make sure i would go... cause if i have an appointment i will show up. lol

i watched Dr. G last night and somehow her show always motivates me to want to go to the gym. so i am gonna go tomorrow morning. hubby works... i have no excuses cause i have nothing planned till 5pm. wish me luck.

i have been thinking a lot about my eating disorder and trying to pinpoint when it started. often times i have blamed my absentee father, or the arrival of my step-father. i tried to think of it objectively and pinpoint when i turned to food for comfort that i was not finding in my home. and a memory came to me... i was a young girl and it was summer and i was home alone. the tv was on and i was sitting in a chair with a bag of potato chips looking out the window and thinking i shouldnt be inside on such a beautiful day.... i should be outside. but i didnt go outside. after all there was no one to play with and nothing to do out there.

that is when i realized that i was taught to work at a very young age. i was not encouraged to play.... playing with other children always felt pointless to me. but if an adult gave me a job to do then i would do it without question. so apparently i never really learned how to entertain myself. as an only child in the country... i always thought i was good at this. but now i realized i was really incredibly bored and lonely. the only hobby i really had was crayfishin... and when i stopped that i started to read.... and eat... and gain weight. wow... that part just kinda hit me hard right there. i remember being very young in the creek up to my knees lifting up rocks and catching crayfish. sometime i would catch salamanders and frogs too... but mostly crayfish... i would always let them go at the end of the day... but i would catch them and put them in a bucket and show my mom... then take them down to the creek again and let them go. that was how i played.

wow... i just googled images of crayfish and wow... i got so happy and even started twirling my hair again like i used to when i was little. i think i am gonna find a nice picture of a cray fish and carry it with me. that might sound like an odd thing to do. but when i was a little girl, in the creek catching crayfish i was happy, healthy, and active. it will be a reminder to me that there are other activities than eating. maybe i will post one pic on the fridge too! then when i am bored and reach for food... i will see the crayfish, smile and go do something fun instead.

funny how this all came to me just now, just by blogging. wow.

therapy

so i met with my therapist the other day. she is nice. i like her. we talked about my friend D. who passed. she bought up some very real issues. like the fact i didnt go to D.'s memorial service by have contributed to the lack of closure on my part. she talked of forgiveness. she also mentioned it was hard for me cause i identified with D.

she was right on so many things. i cried a little. knowing i have to continue this journey alone. i am an only child. i know what it means to be alone. it was nice having a friend with me for a while on this journey for a bit. and now i have to readjust to doing it on my own.

i faltered yesterday and had a cinomin roll. other than that i have been pretty good with the eating. still have not been to the gym tho. i think about it, but dont go.

i noticed lately i dont wanna leave the house much. when i am home alone i dont wanna go out. my home is my sanctuary. it is safe and i still feel i have a lot of healing to do.

home sick

sorry for no blog yesterday... i stayed home sick... something that never happens... as evidenced by the office rumor that started because i said i couldnt keep my breakfast down... yes, apparently that caused everyone to think i was preggers. haha. no, i am on the pill and on the rag so chances are i am not 'with child'. post nasal drip is the real star of the show... you can name him anything u want. lol

so yea, i woke up got ready for work, had a couple toaster waffles and then got sick in the kitchen sink. i heard hubby over my shoulder, "maybe u should stay home". good idea. i thought i would lay down, wake up around 10am and re-assess. i woke up at 2pm. dragged my butt to the couch and tried to distract myself with tv. hubby came home with over the counter meds and made it all better... i was right as rain by 7:30pm. i even kept dinner down.

so today i had my meeting with a coworker to talk about our friend who passed. i will refer to her as D. J. and i got coffee and a table and talked about D. the good times, the bad times, and the crazy times. it was just what i needed. i told her everything about how i feel and how i am not dealing with D. being gone very well. J suggested that maybe D. is actually trying to help and encourage me in her own way... which we all know meant screwing it up first. lol.

so i do feel a ton better and now almost like i made to big a deal out of it... so i should have problem going to the gym then, right? i mean if that was what was holdin me back. so wednesday of next week will be my target day to try the gym. my period should be over by then. i will have seen the shrink that tuesday. here is hoping, wish me luck.

crusin comes to an end

yea, i have been doing so very good in the eating department. healthy good for me food. and i havent been hungry. yesterday when i was talking to my mother on the phone i was absentmindedly fiddling with something in the pantry... when i looked down to see what it was it was horrified to see my hand trying to open a package of truffles... a gift from a friend. i quickly looked over the counter and saw a bag of 'naked' pecans. so i started fumbling with that instead. i ate a couple of those. then i deposited the unopened box of truffles in the garbage with a feeling of relief.

still no gym action. i keep thinking about it. my gym bag is packed and waiting for me in the foyer. but still i have not gone.

today i had a banana and a bowl of fiber one cereal for breakfast. (and water) then got to work and had coffee... and by 10am i was hungry. i packed my lunch today (Yay Me!)... so i grabbed the apple i packed and munched that around 11am. and now i am counting the minutes till lunch.

i packed home-made bean soup and leftover rice for lunch. i used the container that i always think is too small when in reality it is a perfect portion size for lunch. i also packed a yogurt to take care of that 3 o'clock sweet craving that usually has me running to the vending machines.

i fought the urge to weigh myself this morning. i can get obsessive about the numbers. that is why i posted that list. it reminds me when to weigh myself, otherwise i would be weighing myself everyday... and then multiple times a day. and then it starts to dictate my mood. and that is not healthy. so i figure, twice a month is a good gage. and will do my best not to weigh in more than that.