who knew?

yesterday when i was blogging about my friend who has passed i realized that i never got past the anger stage of grief. i ended that blog short because i was amazed and how mad and upset i got. and i realized how unhealthy that was. she has been gone now for almost two years, i had no idea i still carried that kind of emotion around for her. i realized i need help.

so i ended the blog and opened another browser window and pulled up the website for my health insurance. i did a search for counselors and psychologists. for while i was seeing someone who specialized in eating disorders three years ago, i had to stop seeing her because she wasnt covered by my insurance i could not afford her fees out of pocket any longer. i stopped seeing her before my friend passed. so i havnt really talked to a professional about any of this. and i think that is why it is taking me so long to deal with it in a healthy way. so i called my insurance to see what and who is covered, picked and name and left a message. i was able to find a woman who has experience treating eating disorders, amoung many other things. so i am hopefull. i will let you know if and when she gets back to me.

so i had a sensible dinner last night, then whined that i didnt have any healthy snacks. hubby cuddled with me on the couch and i tried not to be too much of a brat. remembering how my counselor told me that sometimes i eat out of habbit... and so i wasnt really hungry, just bored. so i stuck it out then went to bed early.

unfortunately i didnt sleep well. all this emotional static running through my head. i couldnt just let myself be. so this morning while hubby was shoveling i had a nice long talk with my self in the bathroom mirrior. i reminded myself i had a life to live separte from all of this, a good job and house to run. i gave myself permission to feel as much as needed, but i reclaimed my thought process. i will leave the grief part for the professional and try to carry on and make the right choices. with my head right i got ready for work. even tho it was his day off, hubby shoveled the walk and driveway and even brushed off my car. i gave him a smooch and slowly made my way through the slush to work.

once here i was unsure how many other would be able to make it in, so i thought i would go early to get coffee. i work at a university and there is a tim hortons on campus. while in line i thought about making the right choices and also about how good the cinommin buns looked. lol. i was getting hungrier by the minute. when it was my turn i ordered a large coffee, and a tosted seaseme bagel with cream cheese. later i would curse myself for not getting light cream cheese, but the fact that i resisted not only the cinommin bun but a bagel with egg and cheese (wich i love), kinda balances out in my head. so while i see room for improvement, i also see no reason to beat myself up.

sofar so good today. i of course didnt think to bring a lunch so i will have to venture out for that. i will keep you posted. till then, back to work for me... maybe someday i will see the top of my desk. lol