restart

yep, i have been gone a bit because i have been off the wagon so to speak. so now you know, if i am quiet it is because i am being bad. i missed a couple of weigh-ins as well apparently from the looks of the list i created.

i have only been to the counselor once. and i have talked to a couple other people about my friend who passed. and i realized something. i would not want to be judged by the last decision i made in my life. so it was unfair to do that to her. and if i can forgive her for the choice she made.... then i should also forgive myslef for not being able to change her mind. since this line of thinking has been in place i feel so much better. i can think of my friend and not be angry. i smile when i remember the good times... or water the plants she gave me to take care of before her surgery.

i still miss her but it is in a much more positive way. one of the things she and i were so different on was how we spent money. she had no problem spending money on herself. i do. so to honor her memory i am going to treat myself to little indulgences now and then... a pedicure here and a manicure there. this way, i feel like she is still with me, like she taught me something that i will carry on long after she is gone. and that makes me smile.

so my motivation is slowly coming back. my eating is horrible. but i joined weight watchers online, Discovery Health's National Body Challenge, and there is a Wellness Awareness Day at my job so i signed up for a free health screening. i thought i might chicken out, so i signed up for the screening just to make sure i would go... cause if i have an appointment i will show up. lol

i watched Dr. G last night and somehow her show always motivates me to want to go to the gym. so i am gonna go tomorrow morning. hubby works... i have no excuses cause i have nothing planned till 5pm. wish me luck.

i have been thinking a lot about my eating disorder and trying to pinpoint when it started. often times i have blamed my absentee father, or the arrival of my step-father. i tried to think of it objectively and pinpoint when i turned to food for comfort that i was not finding in my home. and a memory came to me... i was a young girl and it was summer and i was home alone. the tv was on and i was sitting in a chair with a bag of potato chips looking out the window and thinking i shouldnt be inside on such a beautiful day.... i should be outside. but i didnt go outside. after all there was no one to play with and nothing to do out there.

that is when i realized that i was taught to work at a very young age. i was not encouraged to play.... playing with other children always felt pointless to me. but if an adult gave me a job to do then i would do it without question. so apparently i never really learned how to entertain myself. as an only child in the country... i always thought i was good at this. but now i realized i was really incredibly bored and lonely. the only hobby i really had was crayfishin... and when i stopped that i started to read.... and eat... and gain weight. wow... that part just kinda hit me hard right there. i remember being very young in the creek up to my knees lifting up rocks and catching crayfish. sometime i would catch salamanders and frogs too... but mostly crayfish... i would always let them go at the end of the day... but i would catch them and put them in a bucket and show my mom... then take them down to the creek again and let them go. that was how i played.

wow... i just googled images of crayfish and wow... i got so happy and even started twirling my hair again like i used to when i was little. i think i am gonna find a nice picture of a cray fish and carry it with me. that might sound like an odd thing to do. but when i was a little girl, in the creek catching crayfish i was happy, healthy, and active. it will be a reminder to me that there are other activities than eating. maybe i will post one pic on the fridge too! then when i am bored and reach for food... i will see the crayfish, smile and go do something fun instead.

funny how this all came to me just now, just by blogging. wow.