optimism

sorry for the ranty post yesterday... i was a little frazzeled and didnt say anything that i wanted to say... stuff just came out. i am glad it did, but i am a bit more optimistic today.

i was married in 2005 and when i went to meet the unitarian minister to go over the vows, i walked into a church building i had never been in before. it was in a neighboring town that was unfamilar to me as well. i parked the car and walked into what i thought was the main entrance. it was a nice old building. in the foyer there was a staircase, and a large room to my right. i peaked my head in, looking for a man i had never met before. the room was empty.

i was early so i took a seat. shortly there after a woman joined me. she sat on the couch across from me. she smiled and said hi. i returned the greeting. a little while later another woman appeared. she smiled and said hi and asked, "are you here for the meeting?".... as i was there for a meeting i said, "what meeting?", clearly confused. she said, "the Overeaters Anynomous meeting". i replied no, that i was there to meet the reverend. i slowly got up, grabbed my things and moved toward the foyer. both very nice woman smiling at me. my head jumbled and confused. the one lady must have been the facilator. she said, "well you are more than welcome to join us if u wish"... she was spreading literature out on the table. i said i would see how long i was with the reverend and might stop back on my way out.

i didnt of course. i was horrified and intriqued at the same time. firstly, i was about to get married and uber emotional and how dare she see me, a fat girl, and just assume i have a problem with food.... (isn't denile grand?)... secondly, what the hell was OA?... there is a group like that really?.... 'powerless against food'... my ass!... i am not powerless in the least (unless u r a hoho or potato chip). and thirdly and lastly... I wondered if that was a sign... if maybe this group could help me. that last thought was fleeting... afterall i had a wedding to get through... my issues would have to wait.

periodically i would go to the OA website... still unsure. then recently i got sucked into a show on tv called 'sober house'... it is about some b-list celebs recovering from addiction in the same house. and i realized what draws me to the show isnt the celebs, or the drama.... it is the potrayal of recovery from addiction. and i realized, i have a lot of the same feelings and issues when it comes to food. the difference is they have a network of support. i dont feel like i have that. so i have come full circle back to OA.

last week while at my local book store i asked a nice lady where their 'eating disorder' section was. she showed me. i went through many books in that section as well in the 'diet' section. i came across two books based on OA principles. both very small, both came home with me. i also bought a proper food journal called "DietMinder, Personal Food and Fitness Journal - A Deluxe Food Diary by MemoryMinder Journals." I often tried to create my own food journal... but that never seemed to work for long. This one is extensive. And i decided i deserved a proper one.

all my negative talk revolved around the money i was spending... and then on the way home i felt guilty for spending money on myself. but somehow, through the guilt and negative self talk... part of me felt like i had made the first step in a postive direction.

i have read a chapter a day in the one book. and i went back to the OA website and found a meeting in my area... i wrote down the information. i put it in my back pocket. i took it home and showed hubby. i asked if he was okay with me doing this. part of me always has to ask permission from those around me. he said of course, he would support me anyway he could. then he went bowling. i took the piece of paper with the meeting info on it and put it in the OA book i am reading. it is tomorrow at 10:30am. i am meeting friends for lunch at noon so i would only be able to stay an hour... but i dont know how long the meeting would last. there is a telephone number listed for the facilitator. maybe i should call her. i am afraid.

of what i dont kno. i dont kno anyone there probably. i dont know the facilitator i dont think. it could only help. so why am i so afraid. maybe it is because it will work. maybe it is because it means i am not as alone as i think. maybe it is because if i go... then i am admitting i am addicted to food. and that is not something i want people to know. but the reality is they can look at me and see that. so maybe i am afraid of admitting i need help. it is very hard for me to accept help when it is offered and even harder for me to seek it out. but i clearly cant do this alone.

i physically shuddered when i wrote that last line so i think that is it.

i am tired. all this self-examination is work. and my schedule for the rest of the month is crazy. i tend to get ahead of myself and stress. i am trying to slow that down a little. tonight while i am highlighting my hair i will be working on my homework. tomorrow i have an OA meeting at 10:30 ;) then at noon a friend is bringing her bf to lunch with us. he is a contractor and is going to give me an estimate on my creeky porch. then at 6pm i am going over to a friends for dinner then a party. then sunday morning up early and breakfast out with hubby, then over to my friends place by 10:30 to set up a video conference between her daughter and herself. my friend will be in Bulgaria. i will be hepling her grandmother watch her daughter while she is gone.

but if i can make time for everyone else, i should be able to make time for myself as well.