therapy

so i met with my therapist the other day. she is nice. i like her. we talked about my friend D. who passed. she bought up some very real issues. like the fact i didnt go to D.'s memorial service by have contributed to the lack of closure on my part. she talked of forgiveness. she also mentioned it was hard for me cause i identified with D.

she was right on so many things. i cried a little. knowing i have to continue this journey alone. i am an only child. i know what it means to be alone. it was nice having a friend with me for a while on this journey for a bit. and now i have to readjust to doing it on my own.

i faltered yesterday and had a cinomin roll. other than that i have been pretty good with the eating. still have not been to the gym tho. i think about it, but dont go.

i noticed lately i dont wanna leave the house much. when i am home alone i dont wanna go out. my home is my sanctuary. it is safe and i still feel i have a lot of healing to do.

home sick

sorry for no blog yesterday... i stayed home sick... something that never happens... as evidenced by the office rumor that started because i said i couldnt keep my breakfast down... yes, apparently that caused everyone to think i was preggers. haha. no, i am on the pill and on the rag so chances are i am not 'with child'. post nasal drip is the real star of the show... you can name him anything u want. lol

so yea, i woke up got ready for work, had a couple toaster waffles and then got sick in the kitchen sink. i heard hubby over my shoulder, "maybe u should stay home". good idea. i thought i would lay down, wake up around 10am and re-assess. i woke up at 2pm. dragged my butt to the couch and tried to distract myself with tv. hubby came home with over the counter meds and made it all better... i was right as rain by 7:30pm. i even kept dinner down.

so today i had my meeting with a coworker to talk about our friend who passed. i will refer to her as D. J. and i got coffee and a table and talked about D. the good times, the bad times, and the crazy times. it was just what i needed. i told her everything about how i feel and how i am not dealing with D. being gone very well. J suggested that maybe D. is actually trying to help and encourage me in her own way... which we all know meant screwing it up first. lol.

so i do feel a ton better and now almost like i made to big a deal out of it... so i should have problem going to the gym then, right? i mean if that was what was holdin me back. so wednesday of next week will be my target day to try the gym. my period should be over by then. i will have seen the shrink that tuesday. here is hoping, wish me luck.

crusin comes to an end

yea, i have been doing so very good in the eating department. healthy good for me food. and i havent been hungry. yesterday when i was talking to my mother on the phone i was absentmindedly fiddling with something in the pantry... when i looked down to see what it was it was horrified to see my hand trying to open a package of truffles... a gift from a friend. i quickly looked over the counter and saw a bag of 'naked' pecans. so i started fumbling with that instead. i ate a couple of those. then i deposited the unopened box of truffles in the garbage with a feeling of relief.

still no gym action. i keep thinking about it. my gym bag is packed and waiting for me in the foyer. but still i have not gone.

today i had a banana and a bowl of fiber one cereal for breakfast. (and water) then got to work and had coffee... and by 10am i was hungry. i packed my lunch today (Yay Me!)... so i grabbed the apple i packed and munched that around 11am. and now i am counting the minutes till lunch.

i packed home-made bean soup and leftover rice for lunch. i used the container that i always think is too small when in reality it is a perfect portion size for lunch. i also packed a yogurt to take care of that 3 o'clock sweet craving that usually has me running to the vending machines.

i fought the urge to weigh myself this morning. i can get obsessive about the numbers. that is why i posted that list. it reminds me when to weigh myself, otherwise i would be weighing myself everyday... and then multiple times a day. and then it starts to dictate my mood. and that is not healthy. so i figure, twice a month is a good gage. and will do my best not to weigh in more than that.

mom

so today i told my mom. she called to tell me about some family issues. that was enlightening. it made me realize that everyone in my family has their own way of coping with things... my mom buries her emotions, an uncle uses alcohol, an aunt pop pills... none of them have ever even considered therapy.

i dont wanna be like any of them. i see my mothers buried emotions come to the surface from time to time while at the same time eating her alive. i know first hand the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. i want to get better. i want to deal with and work though my issues. i no longer want to use food to sedate valid emotions. and a therapist can help me with this. i only wish my family could see how therapy would help them.

so i told my mom about my thoughts about my friend. about my inability to 'get over it'. i reminded her that i have was diagnosed with an ED three years ago. i felt i had to remind her cause it is something, one of many things, we never talk about. i told her that i was going back to therapy. hubby cautioned against telling her. he was worried her reaction would effect my recovery. i took a chance and it worked well. she had some questions but when i explained what was happening she seemed to understand and she shared with me a death she isnt over yet. so that was good. it showed a level of understanding i dont think she has shown me before.

saturday - rearranged

originally i had a date with a friend to go bra shopping at this cute little boutigue. then something came up on her end and we needed to reschedule. honestly i just wanted to stay home and after the stressful lunch of yesterday with coworkers, i began to think that maybe taking a day to myself was not such a bad thing. and to that the threat of bad weather (always taken seriously here in Buffalo) and an empty bank account i had rationalized my hermatige quite well.

she called me today and woke me up... i was still asleep at 10:30 ... that never happens, plus i had the weirdest dream about bear costumes at a wedding... anyway... doll and i talked and i was honest with her. she is one of the few i feel safe with... i mean completely safe on an emotional level... she has been through so much herself that she is done with drama... so with no motive and an open heart she is always there for me... that is why i call her my doll.

i met her this past year and we quickly became very close. so it was easy to be honest with her. she didnt know i have an ED. that made me realize... when i am working on managing my ED i tell people i trust. when i give in to the beast and deny it... i dont tell anyone. that gave me concern about this blog. if i slip off the wagon again will i stop blogging out of shame? hopefully not. and now that i will be seeing a counselor again i am hoping this blog can be a journaling tool i use in therapy. last time they always wanted me to journal and i never did.... now i am journaling before they even ask me... lol... guess i am a bit contrary.

hubby works on saturdays so i am home alone all day. and that is just what i need to day. our house was built in 1900. three bedrooms upstairs. there is the master bedroom, the guest room, and my studio. i love to sew and my hobbies are numerous enough to warrent their own room. my studio is also my dressing room. it holds my closet, mirrior, dresser and jewelry box. it is a space all my own to be creative and pretty. it is a total mess.

doesnt that say it all? the one room of the house that is all mine i neglect horribly. there are clothes waiting to be put away on the work table, obscuring the sewing machine. projects are backing up because i cant even get around the table to work. you cant see the top of the dresser due to jewelry and stuff... it is a dissaster. what is meant to be a place of beauty and creativity is an ucky chaotic mess.

well today i am taking it back... i am aware i might not get through all the mess today and that is okay... i will do the best i can. armed with garbage bags and totes... i am going to go through it all and purge baby purge. lol. most of the clothes either dont fit or were gifts from my mother that i cant stand. and the craft and sewing projects just need to be organized and finished. hubby took care of the downstairs chores yesterday after he got home from work while i was at the grocery store. it was a long day but i came home to a clean first floor. so i have no excuses.

i am taking today for me. working on my sewing projects makes me so happy. i need that kind of stress relief now more than ever. so i am gonna focus on my studio and in extention myself.

little sensitive

okay, so now that i am 'off food' i am a little sensitive. by that i mean since i am making a effort to eat right, just enough, and only when i am hungry... all the sedated emotions are coming to the front. i kno that i use food to dull these emotions, and now that i am trying only to use it for nourishment ... i say i am stressed. when in reality... these thoughts and emotions were always there... i just used food like a drug to dull them down to be easier to deal with. now they come flooding back like bright lights in the darkness... and i am blinded.

i went to lunch with a friend and coworker and barely got through the social portion of the event. i got a half veggie burger sub on whole wheat with lettuce tomato and onions, with pepper jack cheese, lowfat mayo, and mustard. as a side i grabbed an orange and a diet coke. so i did fine with the food choice. it was the conversation i couldnt handle.

i was overly sensitive at statements made and in general just felt everything a bit more deeply. i couldnt wait till it was over and i could return to my office. i texted hubby saying i needed a hug. he texted me back saying he would have lots of hugs ready for me when i got home. he is such a sweetheart.

this is the part i hate. the part where i feel wounded. it's like i just stood up from the therapist's couch all day everyday. does this ever go away? i have lost weight before. that didnt make it go away... i felt wounded and crazy. i need to replace food as a coping mechanism with something else... but what? until i figure that out, i guess i will wear my heart on my sleeve and pray it stays safe.

so far, not much to report.

yea, so things are going okay today... no binging or emotional eating so far today.

breakfast consisted of a seaseme bagel with egg and cheese and coffee. so i am okay with that for now. i am just finishing up my coffee and will soon be foraging for lunch. honestly tho, i am not that hungry. i am a bit distracted with life stress. lol. i am just glad it is friday, i need a weekend. after work i will run to the store before going home. i should make a list before hand.

planning out the menu's and creating a grocery list based on the menu helps me not buy trigger foods.

i am feeling a wee bit dehydrated... will get a water for lunch... i think that is why i have a headache... or it could be stress. lol. who knows... either way, water cant hurt. hahaha

gave in

so i went to the vending machine.... i thought i would have a little faith in myself. lol. all the 'healthy' snacks are regulated to the lower right hand corner.... so i forced myself to focus on that corner and not look at the chips and candy bars....

so i got a Kashi TLC granola bar, peanut butter flavor. it has 140 calories, 4 grams of fiber and 7 grams of protein. it totally hit the spot. it took a while to eat too so that helped.

then i realized that i dont have to cook tonight. hubby bowls tonight so i dont have to make dinner for us... i just need to throw together something for myself. so i think i will have broccoli and rice. with maybe some popcorn later if i am hungry. yea, that sounds good.

oh and in case u are wondering... yes, i am a vegetarian. someone actually looked at me and said, "Really?!?! You are the 'healthiest' vegetarian i have ever seen!" i took 'healthy' to mean fat, but that's okay. lol losts of fattening foods dont contain meat. think about it...

lunch

so on lunch i ran to the post office and mailed the mortgage payment then stoped at subway and got a veggie pattie sub made into a salad. i got fat free dressing on the side and said no to the chips and cookies.

so i felt pretty good... for a while...

now it is 3:34 pm and the vending machine is callin me... and i keep tellin myself i can go there and get something healthy, but i am afraid. so i am blogging and working and tryin not to think about it.
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things are looking up :)

okay so yesterday i received an email from a coworker mentioning how she misses the coworker of ours that passed. instead of responding via email, i called her today and invited her for coffee. so we are going to meet for coffee next week and talk about our friend. i am excited.

and as soon as i got off the work phone with j. my cell rang... it was the counselor i left a message with yesterday. i have an appointment with her later this month.

so all in all i feel a ton better. i feel like i have a network in place now to deal with the issue of grief, and now i can focus on me :)

i realize how selfish that sounds, but that is what this blog is about after all... it's the one place i can be a little selfish and work on being me.

who knew?

yesterday when i was blogging about my friend who has passed i realized that i never got past the anger stage of grief. i ended that blog short because i was amazed and how mad and upset i got. and i realized how unhealthy that was. she has been gone now for almost two years, i had no idea i still carried that kind of emotion around for her. i realized i need help.

so i ended the blog and opened another browser window and pulled up the website for my health insurance. i did a search for counselors and psychologists. for while i was seeing someone who specialized in eating disorders three years ago, i had to stop seeing her because she wasnt covered by my insurance i could not afford her fees out of pocket any longer. i stopped seeing her before my friend passed. so i havnt really talked to a professional about any of this. and i think that is why it is taking me so long to deal with it in a healthy way. so i called my insurance to see what and who is covered, picked and name and left a message. i was able to find a woman who has experience treating eating disorders, amoung many other things. so i am hopefull. i will let you know if and when she gets back to me.

so i had a sensible dinner last night, then whined that i didnt have any healthy snacks. hubby cuddled with me on the couch and i tried not to be too much of a brat. remembering how my counselor told me that sometimes i eat out of habbit... and so i wasnt really hungry, just bored. so i stuck it out then went to bed early.

unfortunately i didnt sleep well. all this emotional static running through my head. i couldnt just let myself be. so this morning while hubby was shoveling i had a nice long talk with my self in the bathroom mirrior. i reminded myself i had a life to live separte from all of this, a good job and house to run. i gave myself permission to feel as much as needed, but i reclaimed my thought process. i will leave the grief part for the professional and try to carry on and make the right choices. with my head right i got ready for work. even tho it was his day off, hubby shoveled the walk and driveway and even brushed off my car. i gave him a smooch and slowly made my way through the slush to work.

once here i was unsure how many other would be able to make it in, so i thought i would go early to get coffee. i work at a university and there is a tim hortons on campus. while in line i thought about making the right choices and also about how good the cinommin buns looked. lol. i was getting hungrier by the minute. when it was my turn i ordered a large coffee, and a tosted seaseme bagel with cream cheese. later i would curse myself for not getting light cream cheese, but the fact that i resisted not only the cinommin bun but a bagel with egg and cheese (wich i love), kinda balances out in my head. so while i see room for improvement, i also see no reason to beat myself up.

sofar so good today. i of course didnt think to bring a lunch so i will have to venture out for that. i will keep you posted. till then, back to work for me... maybe someday i will see the top of my desk. lol

NOT a new years resolution

i have been battling weight issues since the age of 11. so this blog was not born from a new years resolution to lose weight.

i have profiles on other social networking sites and use them to keep in touch with old friends and make new ones. i think i have a normal social life. one thing i can not seem to share with people who kno me is my battle with weight loss. i know why this is, and will get to that later.

many of my friends are heavy. each of them is at there own comfort level with their weight. some appear to be accepting of it, some have beaten themselves up over it and have no self esteem, others are clearly trying to improve their health. then there are those who weight is at a healthy level and dont seem to think of their weight at all, like my husband.

for me this is such a personal stuggle that i have a hard time sharing my true feeling with anyone close to me, save for my husband. so posting blogs on the other networking sites for friends and family to read and confront me with in real life is just too much for me. so i created this blog to journal my progress, turmoil, and fear over this issue... drama free, safely amoungst strangers.

at one time there was one friend who i shared this with... she started as a co-worker and quickly became my "chubby buddy"... 3 o'clock would come and we would go to the 'fat-machines' (vending machines) at work together on our break. then we decided to get healthy... we joined a gym together and took our first Pilates class... our tummy hurt from laughing at ourselves moreso than from the exercise... we found a great place that served salads for lunch... and we tried so many different things, always together... until one day when she told me that she was considering gastric bypass surgery.

she joked with me saying we should both have it done and maybe they would give us a two-for discount.... like it was a shoe-store or something. I declined to join her, while making it clear i would support her in whatever she decided. she told me she had tried everything... and felt that gb surgery was her only hope. that got me thinking... had i tried everything? no, i had never been to therapy. so i found an eating disorder clinic and began seeing a counselor. meanwhile my friend continued down the path to gastric bypass surgery.

while recovering from the surgery, she had a stroke and sliped into a coma, only to have another massive stroke and die.

so it is hard for me to share my continued stuggle with anyone i kno without seeing in them the friend i lost along the way.

Day One

k, this is just a test... just to get something up there.