"I weighed 290 pounds when I joined OA."

... that is how it is gonna start... my story anyway... years from now... what comes next i am not sure but very excited to find out....

... i went to my first Overeaters Anon. meeting on saturday... "Hi, my name is 'Alice' and i am a compulsive overeater."... it was amazing... i was amazed at a couple things... the first was that i wasnt alone... the second was how welcoming everyone was. I shared my story about my friend passing away and the support i felt from total strangers was incredible.

saturday will probably be the meeting i go to most often, and when i cant make saturday, i will go to one on wednesday.

i get it, the literature, the program, the steps, food plan, sponsorship... it all makes a great deal of sense to me.

so far today i have been able to abstain from using food. i had a moderate, breakfast and lunch with no snacking in between. 3pm is the hardest for me, i am so used to going to the vending machine. i reminded myself that is just habit. i pulled some OA literature out of my bag at 3pm and read that instead. it's not like my stomache was growling or anything like that. it was just habit. the self talk and literature worked... here it is 1/2 hour left of work and so far no slip ups.

i have to stop at the grocery store and get something for dinner, so i have been contemplating what to get.... however i dont think i have been obsessing. i am very tired. so post dinner snacking probably wont happen... that is one thing about me.... i will always choose sleep over food.

this weekend was the first time i have been genuinely happy in a very long time. i think the reason for that is that going to that OA meeting restored in me a sense of HOPE. that has been missing for a very very long time. i was presented with a program and support system that gives me hope and the tools i need to 'live life between meals'.

optimism

sorry for the ranty post yesterday... i was a little frazzeled and didnt say anything that i wanted to say... stuff just came out. i am glad it did, but i am a bit more optimistic today.

i was married in 2005 and when i went to meet the unitarian minister to go over the vows, i walked into a church building i had never been in before. it was in a neighboring town that was unfamilar to me as well. i parked the car and walked into what i thought was the main entrance. it was a nice old building. in the foyer there was a staircase, and a large room to my right. i peaked my head in, looking for a man i had never met before. the room was empty.

i was early so i took a seat. shortly there after a woman joined me. she sat on the couch across from me. she smiled and said hi. i returned the greeting. a little while later another woman appeared. she smiled and said hi and asked, "are you here for the meeting?".... as i was there for a meeting i said, "what meeting?", clearly confused. she said, "the Overeaters Anynomous meeting". i replied no, that i was there to meet the reverend. i slowly got up, grabbed my things and moved toward the foyer. both very nice woman smiling at me. my head jumbled and confused. the one lady must have been the facilator. she said, "well you are more than welcome to join us if u wish"... she was spreading literature out on the table. i said i would see how long i was with the reverend and might stop back on my way out.

i didnt of course. i was horrified and intriqued at the same time. firstly, i was about to get married and uber emotional and how dare she see me, a fat girl, and just assume i have a problem with food.... (isn't denile grand?)... secondly, what the hell was OA?... there is a group like that really?.... 'powerless against food'... my ass!... i am not powerless in the least (unless u r a hoho or potato chip). and thirdly and lastly... I wondered if that was a sign... if maybe this group could help me. that last thought was fleeting... afterall i had a wedding to get through... my issues would have to wait.

periodically i would go to the OA website... still unsure. then recently i got sucked into a show on tv called 'sober house'... it is about some b-list celebs recovering from addiction in the same house. and i realized what draws me to the show isnt the celebs, or the drama.... it is the potrayal of recovery from addiction. and i realized, i have a lot of the same feelings and issues when it comes to food. the difference is they have a network of support. i dont feel like i have that. so i have come full circle back to OA.

last week while at my local book store i asked a nice lady where their 'eating disorder' section was. she showed me. i went through many books in that section as well in the 'diet' section. i came across two books based on OA principles. both very small, both came home with me. i also bought a proper food journal called "DietMinder, Personal Food and Fitness Journal - A Deluxe Food Diary by MemoryMinder Journals." I often tried to create my own food journal... but that never seemed to work for long. This one is extensive. And i decided i deserved a proper one.

all my negative talk revolved around the money i was spending... and then on the way home i felt guilty for spending money on myself. but somehow, through the guilt and negative self talk... part of me felt like i had made the first step in a postive direction.

i have read a chapter a day in the one book. and i went back to the OA website and found a meeting in my area... i wrote down the information. i put it in my back pocket. i took it home and showed hubby. i asked if he was okay with me doing this. part of me always has to ask permission from those around me. he said of course, he would support me anyway he could. then he went bowling. i took the piece of paper with the meeting info on it and put it in the OA book i am reading. it is tomorrow at 10:30am. i am meeting friends for lunch at noon so i would only be able to stay an hour... but i dont know how long the meeting would last. there is a telephone number listed for the facilitator. maybe i should call her. i am afraid.

of what i dont kno. i dont kno anyone there probably. i dont know the facilitator i dont think. it could only help. so why am i so afraid. maybe it is because it will work. maybe it is because it means i am not as alone as i think. maybe it is because if i go... then i am admitting i am addicted to food. and that is not something i want people to know. but the reality is they can look at me and see that. so maybe i am afraid of admitting i need help. it is very hard for me to accept help when it is offered and even harder for me to seek it out. but i clearly cant do this alone.

i physically shuddered when i wrote that last line so i think that is it.

i am tired. all this self-examination is work. and my schedule for the rest of the month is crazy. i tend to get ahead of myself and stress. i am trying to slow that down a little. tonight while i am highlighting my hair i will be working on my homework. tomorrow i have an OA meeting at 10:30 ;) then at noon a friend is bringing her bf to lunch with us. he is a contractor and is going to give me an estimate on my creeky porch. then at 6pm i am going over to a friends for dinner then a party. then sunday morning up early and breakfast out with hubby, then over to my friends place by 10:30 to set up a video conference between her daughter and herself. my friend will be in Bulgaria. i will be hepling her grandmother watch her daughter while she is gone.

but if i can make time for everyone else, i should be able to make time for myself as well.

ggrrr...

i really wanted to keep this blog positive, but i cant because all of my feelings are not postitive. i am sad and dissapointed. sad because another friend of mine passed away. and dissapointed in myself that i didnt spend more time with her. our last contact was months ago when she called me to invite me over. i let it go to voicemail and never called her back.

last saturday her bf (whom i am even closer too) came over with pictures and together we made a memory board for the wake and funeral. and i cooked. i had to feed him. they were incredibly close and lived together for four years. and now with B. gone i feel the need to mother him.

GG and i met in 1992 and we have been friends ever since. He is an amazing artist. when he introduced me to his gf, B. i just knew she was the one for him. He has some issues and needs people he can trust and feel safe around. He did so well when he was with B. now i pray he finds a way to continue on. and i worry about him.