NOT a new years resolution

i have been battling weight issues since the age of 11. so this blog was not born from a new years resolution to lose weight.

i have profiles on other social networking sites and use them to keep in touch with old friends and make new ones. i think i have a normal social life. one thing i can not seem to share with people who kno me is my battle with weight loss. i know why this is, and will get to that later.

many of my friends are heavy. each of them is at there own comfort level with their weight. some appear to be accepting of it, some have beaten themselves up over it and have no self esteem, others are clearly trying to improve their health. then there are those who weight is at a healthy level and dont seem to think of their weight at all, like my husband.

for me this is such a personal stuggle that i have a hard time sharing my true feeling with anyone close to me, save for my husband. so posting blogs on the other networking sites for friends and family to read and confront me with in real life is just too much for me. so i created this blog to journal my progress, turmoil, and fear over this issue... drama free, safely amoungst strangers.

at one time there was one friend who i shared this with... she started as a co-worker and quickly became my "chubby buddy"... 3 o'clock would come and we would go to the 'fat-machines' (vending machines) at work together on our break. then we decided to get healthy... we joined a gym together and took our first Pilates class... our tummy hurt from laughing at ourselves moreso than from the exercise... we found a great place that served salads for lunch... and we tried so many different things, always together... until one day when she told me that she was considering gastric bypass surgery.

she joked with me saying we should both have it done and maybe they would give us a two-for discount.... like it was a shoe-store or something. I declined to join her, while making it clear i would support her in whatever she decided. she told me she had tried everything... and felt that gb surgery was her only hope. that got me thinking... had i tried everything? no, i had never been to therapy. so i found an eating disorder clinic and began seeing a counselor. meanwhile my friend continued down the path to gastric bypass surgery.

while recovering from the surgery, she had a stroke and sliped into a coma, only to have another massive stroke and die.

so it is hard for me to share my continued stuggle with anyone i kno without seeing in them the friend i lost along the way.